“Ask a Priest: What If I and My Boyfriend Had a Fall?”

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and we care for each other deeply, but I regret sharing our virginities with each other. We had all of our first experiences together and we truly felt connected, but I have so much regret for some reason. I feel as though he can’t possibly be able to love me now that I’m not a virgin anymore. I know what I did was a sin and I went to confession. What can I do to cope with this regret after repenting, and what action can I take from here on out? Even if I marry my boyfriend, will the consummation of our marriage not be as special? Due to my fornication, will I be unable to fully love? I’m really scared. – Angie

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you recognized your mistake and that you sought out confession.

It is good to remember that love is an act of the will, not the emotions. What you and your friend decide in the future will be acts of the will. So, yes, you can “fully love” if you commit to it and are open to God’s grace.

Moreover, if your friend is baptized, your marriage in the Church would be sacramental and bring a special grace to help you and him grow in holiness.

Will the wedding night be as special as it could have been? Maybe not. But if the thought of that saddens you, let it be a motivation to live a life of holiness from here on out. If the sadness leaves you depressed and anxious and paralyzed, that feeling isn’t coming from the Holy Spirit.

God has forgiven you, and he can bring something good out of the mistakes you made. Perhaps it will help you to appreciate purity more. Perhaps it will motivate you to encourage others to remain virgins before marriage.

You and your friend will especially want to set firm boundaries for yourselves. Try to plan your time together well. Aim to be in public places, and avoid ending up together in an empty apartment or house for long periods. Dress modestly.

Encourage each other in prayer. Have frequent recourse to the sacraments. Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary through the rosary, and make that resolution to stay on the course of holiness.

And take courage in the example of others in Church history who had their falls in chastity but who later gave themselves over to God. If the once-wild Augustine could become a saint, you can, too.

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