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“Ask a Priest: What If My Fiancé Mistrusts Me?”
Q: My fiancé thinks I am lying to him and cheating on him. I was reassigned by my employer to another country, and the separation has caused tensions between me and my fiancé. Recently we broke up over the phone, but my heart is bleeding. I have been praying over it again and again, but I need help. The truth is I didn’t do all he is accusing me of, and how can I confess what I didn’t do? I need help because I gave myself entirely to this relationship. This situation is so difficult to accept. – A.B.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: I’m sorry to hear about your situation. In some ways, though, it might be a blessing in disguise.
Why do I say that? Because the time of courtship and engagement is when a relationship can be tested.
If your fiancé doesn’t trust you now, that might be a sign that there is something wrong — either with him, with you, or certainly with the relationship.
Since I don’t know how your fiancé thinks, I won’t try to offer any pointed diagnosis. But I would say that his lack of trust is something you need to confront.
If he doesn’t trust you now, how could you be sure that things would change after you are married?
Here, it might be good to ask yourself some questions.
Would you be able to spend your life with a man who doesn’t trust you? Would you be comfortable with him if he questions your loyalty in the future?
You mention that you have given yourself totally to this relationship. Has this been a one-sided arrangement? What might be the reasons for your fiancé’s distrust? Is he insecure? Has the relationship been healthy? Or have problems been overlooked? Sometimes it’s tempting to hope against hope that a relationship is better than it really is.
These questions aren’t meant to get your discouraged. It’s just that you want to be careful before you plunge into marriage. Men tend not to change much after the wedding day. Some do, but most stay pretty much the same way.
The point here is: Don’t expect your man to change radically after marriage. You want to be realistic.
Perhaps this time away from him has allowed the cracks in the relationship to appear. This is healthy, since it is better to discover the cracks now rather than later.
It might be good to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your fiancé and see why he is so distrustful. It would also be good to go through a solid marriage-preparation course. Such a course should push engaged couples to ask themselves questions about a full range of issues, everything from finances to children to attitudes about work and religion.
In the meantime you might want to intensify your prayer life. Stay close to Jesus, the one man you want at the center of any relationship.
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