“Ask a Priest: What If I’m Attracted to Someone Who Is Married?”

Q: What’s the best way to end an attraction to a married person? I find myself attracted to a married man at my job. Since he is married, I’ll do nothing, but it’s disturbing because “Thou shalt not covet …” I’ve tried to put all thoughts of him out of my mind, but the attraction seems out of my control. And he checks every box for what I’m looking for in a man, so it’s difficult. Help! – E.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s good that you are honestly recognizing your attraction to this man.

The short advice would be to limit your contact with him as much as possible. Your attraction to him can’t be turned off like a switch, so be careful.

In practice this means no unnecessary chatting with him at the water cooler, no going out of your way to compliment him on a work task, no “accidentally” bumping into him in the hallway.

You are human, and that means you and he can have a fall if you aren’t careful. The devil may well try to take advantage of the situation to ruin the man’s marriage and your soul.

Remember, too, that what you see in this married man might be, in part, the fruits of his marriage. That is, the marriage has probably made him a better man.

Many single men might be a bit rougher around the edges. The idea here is not to expect to see immediately the same qualities in a single man that you might see in this married man.

To find a suitable man, which does seem to be the main point, continue building a network of solid Catholic friends who might increase your chances of meeting an eligible man. It’s also good to get involved with volunteer work. This, too, might improve your chances of meeting the right man.

In any case, keep up a solid prayer life and sacramental life. Seek out a solid, regular confessor or spiritual director for guidance. And count on my prayers.

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